There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
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I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Warm pools make me nervous.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.