[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
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(Electricians.)
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.