There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no