I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
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Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.