I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
ibopfufen
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.