The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
This will never not be funny 😭
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I’ve been drinking.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.