Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
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[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering