Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
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Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
CUTE CAT‼︎
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
dictator is short for richard potato
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression