[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
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him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”