A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
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Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Mistakes were made
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.