It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
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I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
The asteroid..
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes