One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
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“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
*seductively eats two tums*
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad