Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
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*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂