When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Not all heroes wear capes…
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?