To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
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They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Money is the root of all wealth
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
#Caturday
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.