I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
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A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Husband of the year 😂
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.