7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
You Might Also Like
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
cause of death:
autopsy.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid