You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
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When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
incredible text to wake up to
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Mood.. 😂
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?