“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
me opening up to someone
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.