*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??