Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
next level snooze
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”