Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
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This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
In Canada they just call them geese
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[eulogy]
line?
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.