I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
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My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.