DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
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Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Webb. James Webb.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Body by Oreos
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
men, we mow at sunrise.