Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
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I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.