*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.