Me after 1 airport cocktail:
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
We decided to have money instead of children.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”