Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
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Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.