No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
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We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.