After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo