Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
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wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Weirdos gonna weird.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.