[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
HERE’S MARKY
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*