thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
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M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*