MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean