*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
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In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“I took care of your clown problem.”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.