I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”