People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister