My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
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ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.