Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
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if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”