My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
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My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea