Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.