Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.