I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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finally found a reasonable question
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The smoothest fall of all time
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.