My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Ah yes. The three genders
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.