My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
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A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.