When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
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Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
😆this is so true
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
A double negative is a big no-no.
This has made my week.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.