DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
The best shot in the history of golf
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
$3 #books
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”