Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
You Might Also Like
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.