Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
You Might Also Like
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10