Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
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Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying